The Power of Intrinsic Motivation

You pull up to your house, turn off the car, and take a deep breath. You know you need to muster the same energy you gave all day for those waiting inside, but you’re running on empty. Do you sit there, maybe scroll through your phone, trying to catch your breath? You throw your head back against the seat, close your eyes, and try to recharge for a moment… Ping! Your phone goes off, and reluctantly, you get out of the car. Stepping inside, you’re greeted by a world that feels separate from the one you just left but carries similar demands on your energy, heart, and mind. Despite your best efforts, why does it sometimes feel like it’s never enough?

You think, “I’m doing it all for them, so why isn’t it enough?” Then, they come running in—your kids, partner, parents—your “why,” the source of your motivation. But instead of feeling fulfilled, you hear yourself saying, “I’m doing this for YOU.” Maybe you’ve said it many times before, in different ways, but this time, it feels different. The air thickens, and you sense the shift in the room. They aren’t hugging you or thanking you the way you hoped. Instead, they seem hurt, confused, maybe even angry.

That inner voice grows louder, “How ungrateful. I do it all for them—everything!” But if you pause and reverse the roles, imagining your parents or partner saying this to you, how does it feel? “Don’t do it for me. I’m not responsible for your moods, your happiness, or your success.” This is a prime example of extrinsic motivation—doing something because of external pressures or rewards, rather than from a genuine internal drive.

Shifting from Extrinsic to Intrinsic Motivation

No one wants the burden of being the sole reason for someone else’s happiness or fulfillment. What if you owned your motivation? What if you brought it in, examined it, and asked yourself why you do what you do? What are you genuinely getting from the experiences you choose?

The Psychological Impact of Blaming Others for Your Stress or Absence

When we tell our children or partners that we are doing everything for them, particularly in moments of stress or absence, it can have significant psychological repercussions. Although the intent might be to express dedication or sacrifice, the underlying message often carries unintended weight. This burden can lead to feelings of guilt, resentment, or even unworthiness, as they begin to internalize the idea that they are responsible for your well-being and happiness.

The Weight of Guilt and Responsibility

Children, especially, are impressionable and sensitive to the emotional climates of their homes. When they hear a parent say, "I'm doing this for you," they might start to believe that they are the cause of their parent's stress or unhappiness. This belief can manifest in feelings of guilt, leading the child to feel responsible for things far beyond their control. Over time, this can create anxiety, low self-esteem, and a distorted sense of self-worth, as they equate their value with their ability to make others happy.

Similarly, partners may begin to feel overwhelmed by the pressure of being the supposed reason for your sacrifices. This dynamic can erode the foundation of a healthy relationship, leading to resentment and emotional distance. They might feel like they are walking on eggshells, constantly trying to mitigate your stress or make up for your absence, which is neither fair nor sustainable.

The Unfairness of the Narrative

Blaming others for your choices, stress, or absence is inherently unfair because it strips them of their autonomy and places an undue emotional burden on them. It suggests that their worth is tied to your sacrifices, creating a conditional relationship where love and value are contingent on meeting unspoken expectations. This narrative can lead to a cycle of codependency, where both parties are trapped in a loop of blame, guilt, and obligation.

Moreover, this mindset prevents personal growth and self-awareness. By attributing your decisions and emotions to the needs of others, you deny yourself the opportunity to explore your own intrinsic motivations and take responsibility for your actions. This lack of ownership can hinder your ability to model healthy emotional regulation and sovereignty, which are crucial for fostering strong, independent relationships.

The Gift of Releasing Others from This Narrative

One of the greatest gifts you can give to your children and partners is the freedom from the narrative that they are the cause of your stress or absence. By owning your choices and emotions, you set a powerful example of sovereignty—demonstrating that each person is responsible for their own well-being and happiness. This shift not only relieves them of the weight of your emotions but also empowers them to take control of their own lives.

When you release others from this narrative, you create a space for genuine connection, built on mutual respect and understanding. Your children and partners learn that their value is inherent, not tied to your sacrifices or stress levels. They begin to understand that love and support are given freely, not as a means to fulfill unmet needs or expectations.

This approach fosters an environment where everyone is encouraged to pursue their own passions and dreams, free from the pressure of living up to someone else's idea of worth. It cultivates a sense of autonomy and self-reliance, where each person is seen as whole and complete in their own right.

Being an Example of Sovereignty

To be an example of sovereignty means to live in alignment with your true self, making decisions based on your own values and desires, rather than external pressures or expectations. It involves taking full responsibility for your actions, emotions, and choices, and recognizing that these are yours alone to own.

By embodying sovereignty, you teach your children and partners that they too have the power to shape their lives. You show them that true strength lies in self-awareness and self-responsibility, and that they are not responsible for anyone else's happiness but their own. This lesson is invaluable, as it lays the foundation for healthy, balanced relationships, where each person is free to grow, explore, and thrive without the weight of someone else's emotional world on their shoulders.Imagine if all the motivation you needed was already inside of you. You might wonder, “If that’s true, why don’t I feel it?” Many of us have been taught to bury and avoid pain, to not talk about it, to move past it quickly. We’ve been conditioned to seek validation, happiness, and fulfillment from outside sources. But what if the key to lasting motivation lies within us, waiting to be unlocked?

My Obsession: The Core of My Intrinsic Motivation

I am obsessed with connection—the connection I have to the universe, to God, to this human experience, and to every person I meet. My intrinsic motivation stems from this profound connection to everything around me, which lights up each cell in remembrance of who I truly am. It’s in the space between thoughts, where truth and understanding reside, where I feel the most alive.

Whether I’m offering a product or service, it’s that moment of genuine connection that clicks, where truth and trust intersect, that drives me. This feeling of connection creates a motivation that is self-sustaining and renewable. It’s an intrinsic drive to repeat the experience, to create and build over and over again.

Three Keys to Unlocking Your Intrinsic Motivation

So, how do you tap into this endless supply of motivation within you? Here are three keys to help you unlock your intrinsic motivation:

1. Ask Powerful Questions

The better the question, the more powerful the answer. Many of us ask extrinsic questions like, “What do I need to do to provide for my family?” or “How can I get that promotion?” But these questions often lead us to search outside ourselves for answers. Instead, try asking, “Why am I truly motivated to do this?” or “What does this experience bring to me?”

The simple yet profound question of “Why?” can peel back the layers of external pressures and bring you closer to understanding your true motivations.

2. Practice Deep Listening

Listening is more than just hearing; it’s about being fully present and curious, both with yourself and others. Most of us are more comfortable thinking we already know what motivates us, but true listening requires an open mind and a willingness to explore the unknown. When we listen deeply to our inner voice, we begin to understand our true desires and motivations.

3. Discover Your “Why”

Your “why” is your purpose or belief that fuels your actions. It’s often rooted in past experiences, sometimes in pain or trauma, but it’s what drives you forward. Connecting with your “why” gives you a sense of purpose and direction, making it easier to stay motivated, even when challenges arise. Remember, intrinsic motivation is not about external validation or rewards; it’s about aligning with your core values and desires.

The Value of Intrinsic Motivation

Intrinsic motivation is like an engine that doesn’t require external fuel—it’s self-sustaining. It’s the basketball player who practices alone in the gym, perfecting their shot not for the crowd’s applause, but for the pure joy and mastery of the game. It’s the drive that keeps you going when no one is watching, when the external rewards have faded, and when the only thing left is your connection to yourself and your purpose.

Cultivating Intrinsic Motivation in Daily Life

To cultivate intrinsic motivation, start by recognizing the small wins in your daily life. Each decision, action, and challenge is an opportunity to connect with your deeper purpose. Remember that the true motivation comes from within, from the joy of learning, the satisfaction of solving problems, and the fulfillment of creating something meaningful.

When you tap into this internal well of motivation, you become unstoppable. You no longer rely on external validation or rewards to fuel your actions; instead, you draw from a deep, endless reservoir within you. This is the power of intrinsic motivation—the power to create, to connect, and to live a life that is truly your own.