The First Phase of Relationships: Recognizing the Illusions We Create
The Stories We Tell Ourselves:
How Childhood Narratives Shape Our Relationships
What if the love you’ve been chasing your whole life was never really love at all? What if the safety you’ve clung to, the stories you’ve built your relationships around, were the very things keeping you trapped? What if letting go of these illusions—no matter how painful—was the only way to find the connection you’ve always craved?
What if everything you believed about love wasn’t actually love? What if the stories you’ve carried your whole life—the ones that feel safe and familiar—were the very things keeping you from the connection you crave?
Relationships are one of the most profound mirrors we have. They reflect back to us our deepest hopes, fears, and unresolved wounds. In the first phase of relationships, we often aren’t seeing our partner for who they truly are—we’re seeing the characters and roles we’ve created in our own minds. These illusions aren’t formed randomly; they’re shaped by the stories we’ve carried since childhood. To truly connect in a relationship, we must first recognize these illusions and summon the courage to lovingly challenge them, even when it feels like letting go of the only safety we’ve ever known. This challenge is not for the faint of heart, but for those brave enough to ask themselves the hard questions, the reward is discovering what real love can look like.
The Childhood Origins of Our Love Narratives From the moment we begin observing the world, we start piecing together a narrative about love, safety, and belonging. As children, our understanding of relationships is heavily influenced by:
Parental Dynamics: How our parents or caregivers expressed love, managed conflict, and fulfilled (or failed to fulfill) our emotional needs.
Cultural Narratives: The stories we consumed through books, movies, and fairy tales.
Social Conditioning: Gender roles and societal expectations that shape how we believe we should act in a relationship.
For many girls, this narrative starts early with games like "playing house," where they take on roles as caregivers, nurturers, or partners, often modeling what they’ve seen in their own families. Boys, on the other hand, are often encouraged to see relationships as a conquest—a mission to "get the girl" without much thought given to what comes after. Both of these narratives are incomplete, and both can limit us in ways we may not even realize.
The Characters We Create As children, we are natural storytellers. We create characters in our minds to help us feel safe, enough, and loved. These characters often reflect:
Our Parents’ Roles: If one parent was distant or unavailable, we might subconsciously look for someone to "fix" that wound by playing the role of a savior. If one parent was overbearing, we might look for a partner who allows us to feel more in control.
Our Perceived Needs: If we didn’t feel seen or valued, we might seek partners who over-validate us. If we felt abandoned, we might cling to partners who feel dependable, even at the cost of authenticity.
Cultural Fantasies: For women, the narrative might include the nurturing caregiver or the perfect partner. For men, it might be the hero or provider who wins love through achievement.
But these characters are not real. They are projections—illusions we create in an attempt to rewrite the story of our childhood and meet our unmet needs. And the hardest truth to face is this: this is not love.
The Problem with These Stories When we bring these characters into our relationships, we are not fully engaging with our partner as they are. Instead, we:
Project Expectations: We expect them to fulfill roles they never agreed to play.
Seek Validation: We look for them to meet needs that only we can truly fulfill.
Avoid Vulnerability: By sticking to these roles, we avoid showing our true selves, fearing rejection if we step outside the narrative.
Sometimes, these patterns go beyond mere misalignment. They can perpetuate toxic cycles, where familiar dynamics—even painful ones—feel safer than stepping into the unknown. For some, this means staying in relationships that mirror the emotional unavailability, control, or even abuse experienced in childhood. Recognizing these patterns and calling them what they are—not love—is one of the bravest acts of self-awareness we can undertake.
Recognizing the Illusions The first step in moving beyond these stories is recognizing that they exist. This process requires a delicate kind of courage—the courage to face what we’ve carried and lovingly question it. Here are some key reflections to help begin:
Examine Your Early Narratives: Reflect on what you learned about love as a child. What did your parents’ relationship teach you? What roles were you encouraged to play in childhood games or family dynamics?
Notice Your Expectations: Ask yourself: What roles am I unconsciously assigning to my partner? Do I expect them to save me, complete me, or make me feel worthy?
Look at Cultural Conditioning: How have media and societal norms shaped your idea of what love should look like? For example, are you chasing a "happily ever after" or the perfect partner?
Identify Projections: When conflicts arise, pause and ask: Am I reacting to my partner, or am I reacting to a role or expectation I’ve placed on them?
The Grief and Challenge of Dismantling Illusions Recognizing these patterns is not easy. It often involves grief—grieving the stories we’ve told ourselves and the fantasy of what we thought love should be. This can feel like a loss, but it’s also an incredible opportunity for growth. By dismantling these illusions, we create space for:
Authentic Connection: Seeing our partner as they truly are, without projections or expectations.
Empowered Choice: Choosing to engage in the relationship based on truth, not fantasy.
Freedom: Letting go of the weight of old narratives and allowing love to unfold naturally.
Letting go of these familiar patterns takes extraordinary courage. Familiarity, even when it’s painful, feels safe. But real love cannot thrive in a space built on projections and old wounds. True connection begins when we release the stories that bind us to the past and step into the uncertainty of truth.
Moving Forward with Compassion The first phase of relationships—recognition—is a journey of self-discovery as much as it is about your partner. It’s about understanding the stories you’ve carried, recognizing the illusions that hold you back, and stepping into a new way of relating—one built on truth, not roles.
This process takes courage and tenderness. Be kind to yourself as you reflect, and remember: challenging these beliefs isn’t about tearing yourself down—it’s about gently building something new. As you open yourself to this exploration, you also open the door to the deeper connection and fulfillment that awaits in the later stages of relationships.
Are you ready to uncover the stories you’ve been telling yourself and take the first step toward authentic love? Let’s start this journey together.
