Why Are You Chasing Love? Break the Stressful Cycle and Find Real Connection
Why do we keep chasing someone who pulls away? Why does the thrill of pursuit feel so intoxicating? The answer lies deep in the patterns of stress that have been embedded in our bodies, often since childhood. Most of us don’t realize that our desire to chase, to engage in the dance of pursuit and retreat, is rooted in how our nervous systems have been conditioned. Stress, confusion, and adrenaline are often mistaken for love and passion.
For many of us, our nervous systems have been wired for stress for as long as we can remember. Perhaps it came from emotionally unavailable parents, traumatic experiences, or constantly feeling like we had to prove our worth. This chronic stress becomes normalized in our bodies, and we begin to romanticize the fight-or-flight responses triggered by adrenaline and cortisol. These stress hormones are designed to help us escape physical danger, but in the realm of relationships, we mistake them for the "chemistry" or "passion" that comes with romantic pursuits.
The Stress Response: Adrenaline, Cortisol, and the Thrill of Pursuit
At its core, the cycle of chasing someone who pulls away activates the same stress responses designed to protect us from harm. When our cortisol and adrenaline spike, we experience a rush—a "high"—that feels exciting, even though it's the body’s way of managing perceived danger. Over time, we confuse this stress-induced high with genuine romantic attraction.
Like children chasing the approval or attention they never received, we fall into repetitive patterns of seeking love through pursuit. We convince ourselves that this chase is love, that the pull-and-push dynamic we engage in is proof of passion. In reality, it’s stress masquerading as intimacy, a reflection of the emotional wounds we’ve carried for years.
Recognizing the Cycle: Why We Chase
Many high performers, individuals used to achieving success through hard work and perseverance, often fall into this cycle in their personal lives. Their addiction to stress—the cocktail of hormones that keep them functioning in high-pressure environments—transfers into their relationships. Peace feels uncomfortable, stillness feels like failure, and vulnerability, which is essential for true intimacy, feels too threatening.
Moreover, if we derive our sense of value and self-worth from external factors—our job, money, or status—then letting go of this chase and stress becomes almost impossible. When your worth is tied to external achievements, the mind continues to crave validation from others and feeds into the cycle of pursuit. Breaking this cycle requires a shift in focus from the external to the internal.
True self-worth comes from within. In order to break free from the chase, it takes real courage to be honest with yourself and to focus on the intimacy that creates real fulfillment—especially the kind that will matter at the end of your life. You’ve heard the saying: "No one takes their job, money, or status with them." In the end, it’s the love, the relationships, and the connections we build that will matter.
Breaking the Cycle: Finding True Connection
True connection doesn’t come from stress, drama, or adrenaline. It comes from being fully present with another person. It comes from stepping out of the chaos and into a state of balance, where your nervous system is calm and open, not driven by fear or anxiety. In this state, you can access a steady, grounded strength—a power far deeper than the fleeting thrill of the chase.
But to reach this place, you must first recognize and break the cycle of stress. To understand where this pattern comes from, all you have to do is look at your early caregivers and siblings. The way they interacted with you likely set the foundation for how you now perceive love and connection. Unless you've done the deep and intense work of examining your subconscious and unraveling your own patterns, this dynamic likely applies to you.
If you're not extremely uncomfortable placing yourself in situations of raw truth and vulnerability, it’s likely that your subconscious and ego—your inner child—are still at the wheel, calling the shots. This means your emotional responses and relational behaviors are being driven by past wounds and fears, keeping you stuck in the same cycles.
The key to breaking free from this cycle begins with self-love and connection to your own mind, body, and soul. Only when you have a deep, authentic connection with yourself can you truly share and connect with another in a meaningful way. Without this foundation, relationships will continue to be governed by ego, fear, and unhealed wounds. But when you cultivate inner peace and self-awareness, you can experience the profound depth of healthy, consistent love—not driven by stress, but grounded in real connection.
The Courage to Be Still: Embracing Vulnerability
Breaking free from the cycle of chasing requires courage. It demands that we embrace vulnerability, the stillness that comes from being fully present with ourselves and with others. For those addicted to stress, this can feel incredibly uncomfortable. The mind and ego may rebel, calling this newfound peace "boring" because they’re afraid to face the present moment without the distraction of chaos.
Yet, true courage lies in stillness. It takes bravery to open yourself to true intimacy, to connect without the need for drama or adrenaline. Real love comes from two people standing side by side, showing up in their full authenticity, ready to meet each other from a place of calm and connection.
Choosing Real Love Over Stress
So, ask yourself: Are you chasing love, or are you ready to receive it? Are you addicted to the stress of pursuit, or are you willing to experience the peace that comes from true connection? The answer lies in the present moment, in your ability to step out of the cycle of stress and into the steady strength of real love.
The choice is yours—right here, right now.
