Conflict is a Collaboration Between Two People
I grew up in a family where conflict wasn’t just avoided—it was demonized. It was painted as something dark and evil, something to fear and sidestep at all costs. The patterns I learned reflected this: people-pleasing, fawning, and doing whatever it took to keep the peace. These habits became second nature, shaping my view of relationships and how I navigated them.
Looking back, it’s no surprise that I was deeply attracted to someone whose patterns were the opposite of mine. He was stuck in fight-or-flight mode, always ready for conflict, and his nervous system thrived in the chaos I had spent my life trying to avoid. At the time, it felt like the worst pairing imaginable. But now I see it was the perfect setup for growth.
The relationship was uncomfortable, to say the least. Facing his fire while carrying the weight of my own deep-seated fears of conflict—fears rooted in family patterns of abuse—was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But it was also what drove me to question my beliefs about conflict, relationships, and what it means to truly love someone while holding onto myself.
Through that experience, I became obsessed with understanding what makes a healthy, fulfilling relationship. What I’ve come to realize is that the best relationships are containers for both love and truth. One without the other isn’t enough. And here’s the kicker: without conflict, there’s no way to fully access either one.
For years, I didn’t know how to stay in love and hold my truth at the same time. When conflict arose, I shut down, sacrificed my needs, and abandoned myself for the sake of keeping the peace. I believed that avoiding conflict was the loving thing to do. But all it did was create imbalance, leaving me disconnected from my truth and ultimately from the relationship itself.
If any of this resonates with you, here are some things I’ve learned about embracing conflict as a collaboration rather than a battle:
1. Who is worth having conflict with?
Not every relationship or person is worth the emotional energy it takes to engage in conflict. But for the ones that matter—the ones that challenge you to grow—it’s worth it. Ask yourself:
Who is the rocket for your dreams and the sanctuary for your heart?
Who holds a meaningful place in your life, even when things are messy?
These are the people who deserve your vulnerability and your truth. Conflict with them isn’t just a fight; it’s a step toward building something meaningful together.
2. Don’t collapse or coerce
This one has been huge for me. When conflict arises, there’s a natural pull to either collapse—giving up your needs and beliefs—or coerce, manipulating the situation to get your way. Neither path leads to real connection.
The real magic happens when you can hold onto yourself without trying to control the other person. Respect their reality. Their ideas, emotions, and stories are just as valuable as yours, even if they’re different. When you approach conflict from this place, it becomes a space for expansion rather than division.
3. Notice when your heart closes
Conflict can be a doorway to deeper intimacy, but only if your heart stays open. It’s easy to slip into a purely cognitive space during an argument—focusing on logic, defenses, or “winning.” But that’s not where the magic happens.
Ask yourself:
Where does my heart close in this conversation? Was it even open to begin with?
When do I feel the other person’s heart closing?
These moments are critical. Pause, take a breath, and reconnect to your heart. An open heart allows for vulnerability and compassion, which are the building blocks of resolution and clarity.
4. Embrace the shadows
This one has been a game-changer for me. Conflict often brings up shadows—those painful, resistant parts of ourselves or our partner. It’s easy to see these as problems, but they’re actually gifts. They show us what we need to heal or understand.
Your partner’s resistance, pain, or triggers might be the perfect mirror for your own growth. Ask yourself:
What is this conflict revealing about me?
How can I use this moment to expand, rather than shut down?
Even when it’s uncomfortable, these reflections are opportunities for deeper connection—with yourself and your partner.
5. Build a container for love and truth
Healthy conflict doesn’t happen by accident—it happens in a relationship where love and truth coexist. Truth without love can feel harsh, and love without truth can feel hollow. You need both.
When conflict arises, focus on creating a safe container where both of you can show up fully. This means:
Staying grounded in yourself while honoring the other person.
Letting go of the need to be “right” and instead aiming to understand.
Recognizing that conflict isn’t about tearing each other down—it’s about building something together.
Final Thoughts
For most of my life, I thought conflict was something to avoid at all costs. But I’ve learned that conflict isn’t the enemy—it’s the bridge. It’s what allows us to move from disconnection to collaboration, from misunderstanding to clarity.
If you find yourself avoiding conflict, ask yourself what you’re avoiding in the relationship. Avoiding conflict often means avoiding growth, intimacy, and the chance to build something real.
Conflict, when done with love and respect, is a beautiful collaboration. It’s not about winning or losing—it’s about creating. And sometimes, the greatest creations come from the hardest conversations.